Mea Maxima Culpa

Confíteor Deo omnipoténti et vobis, fratres

quia peccávi nimis

cogitatióne, verbo, ópere, et omissióne:

mea culpa, mea culpa, mea máxima culpa.

I confess to almighty God,

and to you, my brothers and sisters,

that I have sinned through my own fault,

in my thoughts and in my words,

in what I have done, and in what I have failed to do;

-- Confiteor, Mass of the Roman Catholic Church

I stand atop the tower of Babel. The air smells so pure. The wind in my face - icy, silken, subtle, strong! I look up at the sky so clear - untouched and serene. I look down at the teeming millions below - faces familiar, faces unknown.

And then i fall. For atonement - of thoughts so vile, leading to words accursed and actions that are doomed. But it is not a confession of deeds i indulge in, rather, i ask for forgiveness of those closest to me. Mea Maxima Culpa - my most grievous fault: Is probably my trust in those i hold most dear, most true, most faithful.

Left in tatters, ruined, soiled, torn apart - shattered is my faith, lost is my confidence. Strong i never was, steely i have now become. Weak i never felt, fragile now stands my mind. Too close i keep those i confide my deepest thoughts to. Narrow i have made my world - the paths that connect are constricted and dark. A new door i open in anticipation; an old door closes behind forever. Is there a way to negotiate this maze - to come out clean, sin ridden.

How does one preserve the sanctity of thoughts. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes? Who guards the guardians? For when such gloom befalls, it saps you off the positive energy. Vibes of negativity float all around. You become obscured from those around you. Grumpy, jittery, moody. A silhouette, a silent shroud.

It pains you to see your own prejudices and that of others. Sarcasm laced. A feeling of the world conspiring. Of people that manipulate your actions, of their sweet talks to weave you and bind you - the oh so common fly in a spider's web scenario. And yet, and yet. We fall prey. The trap shuts close. Engulfing you. And then you plot your ploy. Your escape and your vengence. It defiles the very action, the very emotion you fought against. You become what others around you were. What others around you are. What others around you will remain to be. You become what you fear most.

The hallowed one in me pleads with that little horned creature. Let it be. Move along. People come and people go. Let not their actions be our judge. Let not the deeds of one govern your deeds for the other. Good advice tells you not to go into a shell and shut yourself up like a clam. But I was always the devil in me. I prefer it that way though. In your world, with no one to hurt you. Always in reticence, stepping out only when required.

Aah! Mea maxima culpa, my most grievous sin. Believing in others as much as i believe in myself. Always trying to be good, trying to be docile, trying to be in harmony. Truth is, it doesn't work. The world is selfish and so must you be. Let that be a sin then if others feel so. At-least I stay true to my inner self. Of all things that matter, it is not a sin I would have to answer for.

Tabula Rasa

No, i am not referring to a computer game or that disc in town which goes by the same name ...

I fall back to the original Latin - the Unscribed Tabulet.

Tabula Rasa, the clean slate, the origin of the human mind.
What shapes it into what it is? The blank parchment that we are all born with. Is it "Nature" or is it "Nurture" that metamorphosises us into who we are, into what we become.

What the mind thinks must be in it; in the same sense as letters are on a tablet which bears no actual writing -- Aristotle, On the Soul

What is knowledge, if nothing but the truth that we are inclined to believe.
I think now behind this solitude that keeps me behind glass walls, who am i? What is my purpose?

I don't wish to go into this Platonic/Freudean debate.
I simly wonder sometimes, how nice it could be to blank this slate clean of things unwanted, memories undesired, pains conflicting. Reach into the shadowed depths of my heart, my mind, and pluck out those sorrows. Re-write the mind with thoughts cherished.

Speak the truth, and the truth shall set you free. Fear naught but the fear itself.
Do these be but speeches brave? Or are they the very foundations that rest the mind at ease.

The reaction of senses to the external world of objects imprints our minds. That is what imbalances the Tabula Rasa.
Oh! How i wish, how i wish i could sweep the mind of all the dirt that clogs it, and refreshen it - vibrant, joyous, carefree. To relive the childhood, the moments of nascency.

My thoughts no more do me justice. I no longer trust if i hold true to myself, let alone to those i love. I make a prayer to my own heart.

Give me that languid, peaceful space,
where falter not my dreams may;
winds of conceit harden thy brows on face,
let me be pure as i was born, to thee i say.

Bonded by chains, break through them, set upon myself the task, I do, to realign the Tabula Rasa ...

Welcome to the 'Dork' Side ...

So finally adjusting to Overland Park, Kansas.

Its been a gruelling journey and a chilly weather so far. An ice storm this last weekend and all plans of touring the city 'washed away', quite literally. And today, a blast from the past - i mean another of those winter winds that freeze you like an icicle. I forgot to wear my jacket while on the way to the cafeteria (which is about a 3min walk from my office). Only God knows how i made it there alive. Felt like those sci-fi movie characters when they throw liquid nitrogen on you.

So what do i find different over the roughly 10 days that i have spent here?
Probably not much.

Contrary to expectations, OP seems quite populated. There are definitely people here, and they travel in cars, which get stuck in traffic jams. So quite a normal little town. Haven't seen any farm animals though yet, except on the dining menu, ofcourse.

From my airhostess to the lady next to me in the cab queue - Kansas city has greeted me with its best. You know what they say best about orchids and camellia; they bloom the best in winter.
An example of my masquerade was me missing my cab at the airport, chit chatting away next to this gorgeous female i talk about. We were so engrossed in discussions, i refused to notice the cab i had called. Had to order another one.

So when my friends asked me if going by the sacred American customs i asked for the girl's number - i quipped - she lives in Kansas City, Missouri and i in Kansas City, Kansas - how am i to bridge the state gap to ask her out, especially without a conveyance.

Oh well, did i mention though that OP has a radius of 20 min from its town plaza to the border, which effectively means zilch and which means its all walkable. Again, especially given that it has a population of about 150K only and the odds of finding any working person withing a 5min walking radius is 1 of 10 (since 10% of the population of Kansas City works in Sprint Nextel Corp, which is just opposite my place, and needless to mention so did the brunette in question). Actually make it 1 in 8 - i think 2.5% of the population works in the YRC and Applebee HQs.

So come to think about it. I did have the chance to ask out a great looking (and for once smart, given her stunning looks) single girl, and i didnt. You see, whatever place it be, people are all the same. And so am I.

As Skywalker Senior would put it - Welcome once again to the 'Dork' Side ...

While my guitar gently weeps ...

For the people who were wondering where I was this whole time - in geeky Arnie style i say - Inverse of Asta Lavista Baby - I am back ...

Judging by the pathetic level of PJs i have gone down to, I personaly realize the amount of pressure i have been under lately, and see my pent up thoughts going down a drain.

Back from a week spent in Silent Wilderness.
Thrown right back into the cacophonous populace.

I put up my blog title as my messenger status (without having written about it yet). People asked me the reason behind it - well the obvious reason was the Guitar that i saw hung on my wall with dirt accumulated over the jacket, with no one to care about it - forgotten and lost. I have kind of been feeling the for a few days now. Instances where the wrong items grabbed the wrong attention and the real good stuff - no - the great stuff - got lost in the middle of somewhere !!

Wrong priorities, unhappy endings, feeling of betrayal, lack of trust, loss of passion, overcome by apathy, grumpiness galore, rise of anarchy - the past revisited, the present distorted, the future foreseen.

Been a bit busy with GMAT and stuff - and seriously - the only 4 lettered acronym i can think of for it is PITA. With only a week and half to mug up English, "Lays American Style", it was a hard task unwinding all the basic grammar rules and re-learning English as quite a different language. It was an interesting experience, as all such first-time experiences are. But i would have appreciated it more if it were art-for-arts-sake, and not simply a grading system which judges you based on how well you can correct "me and I". Truly speaking, seriously, would it really - and i mean really - matter to any top-notch university if the sentence articulation was slightly off mark, but conveyed quite fairly the meaning it was constructed to convey.

Given the fast pace of all activities, who is going to stop and think for the next moment if "they did it" or "they had done it". Point is - the job was/had been 'done' - without mattering when in the past it was done. We are no detectives investigating a crime where time line and speech would have (could have?) mattered. Will it ever create a dent in my presentation if did not start my sentences with However, while others may, firstly, summing up !!

Alright - i'll be the first to agree i am not the greatest exponents of the language - but without pride taking a fall, i am not the worst either - written or spoken, English is something i think i can convey my ideas reasonably well in. Fundamentalists might argue that Yoda spoke wrong English - but hey - the French use more of Passive voice and the Germans put their verbs before their subjects - both of which Yoda regularly indulges in. And yet, and yet - we all get what he gibberishly speaks (apart from the whole With-you-may-the-Force-be, My-young-padawan concept - we are not Jedis, right?)

Do the readers feel my anger and frustration is vent upon the GMAT because i scored miserably in test - not really - in fact i did better in the english section than i was doing in any previous practice tests. My score was decent (my personal target was 700+ which i passed comfortably) if not phenomenal, and i am happy with what i got compared to the input i put in. Obviously, since humans are never the content species, they'll always crib if they fall short of the best. What am i to say - I am human too.

And that is the reason i see my guitar gently weep - even though i notice it not, it sees me transforming into something i am not, something i aim to be which i dont want to, struggling against the odds to get even, doing what my heart does not believe in, holding onto things i should let go, and missing those little joys of life that truly matter.

I look at you all see the love there that's sleeping
While my guitar gently weeps
I look at the floor and I see it need sweeping
Still my guitar gently weeps

I don't know why nobody told you
how to unfold you love
I don't know how someone controlled you
they bought and sold you

I look at the world and I notice it's turning
While my guitar gently weeps
With every mistake we must surely be learning
Still my guitar gently weeps

I don't know how you were diverted
you were perverted too
I don't know how you were inverted
no one alerted you

I look at you all see the love there that's sleeping
While my guitar gently weeps
I look at you all
Still my guitar gently weeps ...

(George Harrison)